My Funny Valentine
by Two Guns and a Knife
Summary: In memorial of Colonel Meow. A tale of two unlikely friends. Babe HEA. And the Bat Baby is here. Theme Song: Livin' La Vida Loca by Donkey and Puss in Boots from Shrek 2.
1. DARK LORD

**My Funny Valentine**

**~A Tale Of Two Unlikely Friends~**

_*Snow Day*_

_"Dude," Says the nonchalant one-eyed big black cat. "You are supposed to watch over the kid, not drool all over him."_

_The all black ex-military dog keeps his silence and desperately tries to look cool._

_A drop of dog slobber lands on the carpet._

_The big badass dog cringes and winces._

_The cat rolls his remaining eye._

_The little boy giggles._

* * *

***Dark Lord***

"No. You can't bite his head off." Says the cat named Shadow. "He'll call animal control. They'll come and take you away. You will die in a cold and lonely place."

Mordor, the ex-military dog, looks torn.

"However," the big black one-eyed cat continues. The all black badass dog smiles.

Where there's a will, there will always be a way.

Joe Morelli jumps away from the cradle and curses as Mr. Plum's huge menacing-looking dog pisses on his leg.

Mrs. Plum's cat lets out a soft snort.

It's such a beautiful day.

And the story begins.


	2. Partners in Crime

_***Ray of Light***_

_Helen stood there silently watching as they buried Rex under the rose bushes._

_Ranger was gentle and quiet. Stephanie was all in tears. And at that moment Helen knew. Whom her younger daughter really needed. Whom her younger daughter really loved. Helen smiled and went back inside the house as Ranger wrapped Stephanie in his arms. And that night when they were preparing for bed, Helen told Frank she wanted to have another cat. As usual, Frank didn't object. The next day Helen drove all the way to the shelter and almost burst into tears at the sight of the thin tired cat. Pain. Resignation. Despair. The cat curled himself into a ball. Helen couldn't move away from the cage._

_"Kitty," The word slipped out of Helen's mouth, and slowly the cat raised his head to look at her. He had only one eye left. Helen's heart melted. She knew she was here to rescue this cat. The shelter staff didn't know what exactly had happened to the cat. The vet kept the cat in the hospital for 2 days. From the look on Frank's face, Helen knew that he, too, had fallen for the cat._

_"Welcome home," Helen's mother said as she scratched the cat under his chin. "Shadow."_

_Everyone agreed it was the perfect name._

* * *

***Partners in Crime***

Mordor stands tall and high.

Mordor stands very still.

"Concentrate. Think happy thoughts." Mordor closes his eyes and raises his chin.

The alluring aroma dances and sings in the air. Mordor almost drools.

Shadow takes pity on him and swipes the cupcake off the table.

Mordor wolfs down the cupcake.

Mordor happily wiggles his tail.

Ah, he loves cats.

Especially this big black one-eyed one.


	3. Smoky Days

_*****_**Smoky Days**_*****_

___His solider died on the helicopter._

___Something inside him broke into tiny little pieces._

_He overreacted to loud sudden noises._

_"Don't worry, boy. We'll find you a good home."_

Mordor stirs in his sleep.

___Every morning ____Colonel took him _for a long walk.

_______Colonel didn't talk much._

___Colonel lived alone. _

___________Colonel coughed a lot these days._

_"Honestly, Frank. You are my last resort." _

_He overheard Colonel talking on the phone._

___"Goodbye, ____Mordor." ________Colonel smiled, his raspy voice gentle, his face thin and pale. ____"Be a good boy."_

Mordor lets out a soft whine.

_______________Sugar. Butter. Pastries. _

_______________Gravy. Mashed potatoes._

_______________Cat._

_______________He fell in love with the scent of the house. _

_______________He didn't bark. ________________He wiggled his tail. _

_He was a bit nervous. _

_He was a bit uncertain._

_______________He knew he would be sent away to a new home._

_______________If he failed to obtain ________________the ________________cat's trust and approval._

_______________"What happened to your eye?" He couldn't help asking._

_______________"It's complicated." The cat studied him for a moment and finally answered._

_______________He felt sorry for the cat. ________________The cat almost smiled. _

_______________Grandma patted him on the head. _

Mordor wakes up bathed in sunlight.

Shadow is still fast asleep by his side.

Mom is baking cookies.

The house is very quiet.

Sugar. Butter. Cat.

His solider. And the Colonel.

_Sir. Yes, Sir._

Mordor closes his eyes and lets his invisible tears fall.

_I'll be a good boy._


	4. Master Mind

_*******Ordinary Love*******_

_They started off the wrong foot. _

_He decided to try again._

_Nah. He was never a cat person. And he didn't plan to become one, to be honest. The cat didn't like him, he could tell._

_ Maybe that was because he smelled of Bob. __Maybe that was because of the disgust he'd felt. This was the first time he'd seen an one-eyed cat, after all. Sometimes it was better to put the animal out of misery. Sometimes it was better to save yourself the time, the money, and the troubles. _

___Or maybe ____that was because the cat was black and quiet and looked weathered and smart and thus reminded him of someone else. _

_______Yeah, he was still upset that Stephanie hadn't called him the day she'd woken up to find her pet hamster dead. He should've been the one who'd wrapped her in the arms. ________He should've been the one who'd wiped away her tears. He was her boyfriend and they were practically engaged, for crying out loud. And she'd called Ranger instead. ________________All of a sudden the smell of pot roast made him nauseous. The cat just sat there, on the cat tree, staring at him, as if wishing him ill. ________________Don't be silly, Morelli. Firmly he told himself. ________________Bravely and casually, he reached out a hand and forced a smile on his face. T________________he cat hissed and swiped at his hand. He jumped back 10 feet and let out a curse. The cat lost its balance and stumbled to the floor. ________________Stephanie rushed over to cuddle the cat to her chest. The cat let out a pitiful meow. _

_______________________________Everybody stared at him. _

_______________________________He felt embarrassed ________________________________and strangely________________________________ angry and ashamed. _

_______________________________As on cue his phone rang. _

_______________________________He hastily excused himself, murmuring something about the emergency and a blurred apology. He could feel ________________Stephanie's_ eyes, like a pair of knives, on his back, boring holes through his heart and soul and dignity. He got into his car and with a shaking hand inserted the key. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He berated himself and drove away from the familiar 2-story house.

_______________________________"Do not trust people your cat doesn't like." Grandma Mazur said to no one in particular._

* * *

***Master Mind***

The gentle Mocha Latte hand pats Mordor on his head. The simple wedding band catches a ray of light and shines brightly.

Shadow smiles at the memory.


	5. Cat Mojo

_***Cat Mojo***_

_He wasn't a snuggle bunny. He wasn't a cuddle bug._

_And she smelled of rain and smoke._

_But he liked her. And all the catnip toys she'd brought._

_So he allowed her a hug._

_A brief one, of course._

_He freed himself._

_He cast another glance at the man who'd driven her here._

_He took another casual step closer._

_He didn't let his guard down._

_He felt a bit curious._

_He was slightly intrigued._

_He stepped closer._

_Closer._

_Closer._

_And closer._

_Ah, the man knew how to pat a cat._

_He leaned in to the warm gentle __ Mocha Latte __hand._

_He purred._

_"He likes you!" Her tears were not yet dried._

_"Everybody likes me."The man in black smiled._

_"Always trust your cat's instincts."Grandma said from the kitchen._

_He purred louder. _


	6. Joseph and His Colorful Raincoat

_*******Joseph and His Colorful Raincoat*******_

_Things had been tense between them. _

_She'd lost yet another car. __She'd again almost gotten herself killed. __She refused to quit her job. __He still hated that damned black cat. __He was pretty sure they loved each other. __He was getting tired of this never-ending circus. __He was pretty sure she was The One. He was pretty she felt the same. He couldn't just cut the loss and walk away. A part of him suspected that maybe it was time to let go and find someone else. __He was not getting any younger. He needed a more docile and less stubborn woman. __He hated being indecisive. The baseball season was about to begin. He missed making love to her during the 7th-inning stretch on his chewed-up couch. _

_They'd had yet another hell of a fight that day and he'd really lost his temper. __He couldn't __take back his angry words. __He had to make amends. He had to smooth things out. __He had to heal her wound. He had to bring everything back to normal. Eventually she would quit her job. __Eventually she would make a choice. The Clock had been ticking. He knew she could hear it too. He checked himself in the men's bathroom mirror. Her mother would never turn __an uninvited guest away. It was __a strict, unspoken rule. _

_He parked the car in front of her parents' house. The color was indeed ugly. However, he would keep his opinion to himself. Yeah, he was quite __handsome.__ He was very smart. He got out of his car. He walked toward the house. He knocked on the door. He smiled. Her mother looked surprised. He sat down at his usual place. __She hadn't arrived yet. __He tried to start a conversation with her father but was practically ignored. He kept on smiling. __He heard the familiar engine. He could not hide his frown. The cat came out of nowhere and meowed. Ranger picked the cat up. The cat purred. Stephanie smiled. Mrs. Plum smiled. Mrs. Mazur smiled. Mr. Plum smiled. Stephanie sat the other end of the table, side by side with Ranger. _

_A million emotions ran through his head. ____Stephanie concentrated on her food, on the cat, on her Grandma and parents, and on Ranger. ____She __wouldn't even glance his way. __The cat sat quietly on the cat tree, staring daggers at his back. __Tension choked him while everyone else was acting normal like nothing had ever happened. ____It felt like a scene from High School Musical. ____He wanted to smack the smile off Ranger's face but somehow suddenly didn't have the strength. He said goodnight and goodbye and stood there watching as Ranger drove Stephanie away. He turned his head and found the cat looking at him from the living room window. A cold shiver crept down his spine. C____ats can't smile. Or can they? _

_And ever since that evening, things got worse..._


	7. Oceans Of Night

_*****__**Oceans Of Night**_*

_It was the middle of the night._

_Everyone was asleep and the house was peaceful and quiet._

_Shadow woke up from his slumber and stared at the silvery ghost._

_The little hamster remained oblivious to the swirling time._

_The little hamster paid no attention to the living world._

_The little hamster sat in the middle of the old glass aquarium, chewing shadowy raisins._

_The small empty bedroom had been turned into a storage room and sometimes Shadow liked to sleep alone on the soft narrow bed._

_The ghost of the hamster appeared whenever the moon was full and somehow Shadow didn't want to scare it away._

_The transparent creature raised its head, sniffed the air, and then started washing its little face._

_Shadow closed his eyes._

* * *

_Moonlight shone through the curtains._

_Mordor widened his eyes. It was his first night here._

_The transparent creature inside the old glass aquarium turned to face the dog and the cat. _

_It was time to move on. _

_Rex smiled and dissolved into light. _

___Mordor almost wept._

_"Come." Shadow led the way._

_From that night on, they slept in Grandma's bed._

* * *

Grandma snores like a train.

Shadow yawns and jumps off the bed.

Helen takes the dog for his morning walk.

Frank wakes up with a cat on his chest.


	8. April's Fool

_***April's Fool***_

_He let her wrap her arms around his neck. __She smelled of soap and flowery perfume. In silence her tears fell from her face. He wished he could chase away her sadness. Today she came alone. Shadow was napping on the cat tree. No one else was at home. _

_Where was the talkative little pump man? __Where were the girls?_

_Her sobbing stopped. She wiped away her tears. She gave him a smile. She kissed him on top of his head before she left. "I'm okay now. Everything will be okay." _

* * *

Albert and the girls gather around the cat tree like the planets surround the sun. It's yet another Sunday afternoon. Dad is watching baseball.

Mordor licks Valerie's hand. He thinks she's most beautiful.


	9. King Of May

***King Of May***

_But he looked like a nice guy a__nd he smelled of dog. Of tomatoes. Of cheese. Of sunlight. __And he was smiling._

_Grandma didn't trust him._

_Shadow didn't like him._

_Mom was being polite._

_Dad was not a fan of him. _

_You should have faith in your own judgement. You should listen to your own instincts. _

_Hearsay can't serve as evidence of anything._

_Mordor wiggled his tail at Joe Morelli. __Stephanie arrived in time with company. Dinner started promptly. The big ebony man talked to Shadow in a sweet creepy voice. __Everybody smiled. __Joe Morelli almost snorted. __Mordor tasted the fi__rst wave of doubt. __Mom emerged from the kitchen with the coffee cake. Dad relaxed against the back of his chair. ____Stephanie kept ignoring Joe Morelli. __Conversation started. G__randma asked yet another improper question. Dad rolled his eyes. Mom crossed herself. The __big ebony man tried not to burst out laughing. __Mordor widened his eyes and perked his ears. In alarm. __The hairy hand crept closer and closer to Dad's cookies._

_Mordor growled. __Joe Morelli froze. Everyone turned their heads._

Mordor hates thieves.


	10. Babe

_***Babe***_

_Crisp clean smell. __Energy._

_Calm. _

_Assertive._

_Confidence. __Sureness. __Strength._

_Gentleness._

_Shadow purred in his lap._

_Mordor liked this tall dark man. Very, very much._

* * *

_They sensed the difference. _

_The subtle changes. _

_The mysterious chemistry. _

_Mordor closed his eyes and took another sniff. _

_Shadow twitched his tail._

_Stephanie wolfed down Ranger's chocolate cake. _

_The sun. The moon. The stars. The ocean. The seasons. The earth. The wind. _

_Ah, a__ baby._


	11. Spring Haiku

***Spring Haiku***

_She sat down on the bed. She looked around the room._

_Something swelled in her chest as she thought of the past years._

_How time flew._

_How things changed._

_Her eyes lingered on the old empty glass aquarium._

_"I am going to become a Grandma." In a serene voice Helen told Shadow as the black cat crawled onto her lap. She had, long ago, poured the bottle of her hidden whiskey down the kitchen drain. Stephanie would be very happy. Helen smiled as her spidey sense kicked in. _

_ It would be a boy.  
_

* * *

Carefully Shadow keeps his tail out of reach.

The baby's tiny hand.

The smell of diaper and milk, and baby powder.

One day he will grow into a man like his father and he will love rich smooth dark chocolate and green organic tea.

Mordor sneezes.


End file.
